Things That Damon Would NEVER Say
by Dbz VD rox
Summary: A funny story about the things that Damon will probably never say.
1. Chapter 1

Things That Damon Would NEVER Say

A/N: Just a little story I thought of. Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1

Damon: Human blood is icky. I like eating little bunnies!

Stefan: Damon, are you ok?

Damon: -Starts singing- She wore an itsy bitty teeny weenie yellow polka dot bikini. That she wore for the first time today!

Damon: -Sees a bunny- BUNNY! -chases after the bunny-

Stefan: Somebody needs to lay off the vodka.

Damon: -singing- Charlie you look so down, with those big fat eyes and that big fat frown. Charlie, why do you have to be so gray?

Elena: What is he singing?

Stefan: Some song from this TV show called, "Charlie the Unicorn."

Damon: In my world, everyone sparkles like those gay fairies from Twilight.

Damon: Stefan, I love you so much! Will you have my baby?

Stefan: -Backs away slowly- Damon, you're scaring me. Why don't you go watch Dora?

Damon: DORA! -runs to TV at vampire speed-

Damon: -sings the Barney theme song- I love you, you love me, we're a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, -kisses Stefan- won't you say you love me too!

Stefan: -wipes his cheek- I say you need to be put in a mental hospital!

Elena: Stefan, what's wrong with Damon?

Stefan: I think old age has finally caught up with him. Either that or he's going insane.

Damon: I like Lamas, you like lamas, we like lamas, we are lamas! Lamas!

Bonnie: I don't think I'm able to fix him guys. He's too far gone.

Damon: No matter what you do on the stage Keep it light, keep it bright, keep it gay!

Damon: -singing- Put a banana in your ear. Put a ripe banana right into your favorite ear. It's true. So true. Once it's in your gloom will disappear. The bad in the world is hard to hear. When in your ear a banana cheers! So go and put a banana in your ear! Put a banana in your ear!

Stefan: I need to invest in some straight jackets.

Damon: -Sees a squirrel- Stefan, I want that one!

Stefan: This isn't a pet store Damon. We're at the park!

Damon: -starts yelling- BUT I WANT MY SQUIRREL! GIVE ME MY SQUIRREL! -starts crying-

Stefan: -Bangs head on tree- someone help me.

Damon: -Walks up to Stefan and starts poking him- Poke, poke, poke.

Stefan: -Looks at Damon like he had lost his mind- What are you doing?

Damon: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm poking you.

Stefan: Why?

Damon: -excitedly- because it's fun! -continues poking Stefan- Poke, poke, poke.

Stefan: Dear god help me.

Damon: Stefan! Come quick! There's something under my bed! I think it's a monster!

Stefan: How many times do I have to tell you? There are no such things as monsters!

Damon: -Claps hands together like a little kid- Yay story time!

Grams: -looks at Bonnie- Is he ok?

Bonnie: I think he was hit on the head a little too hard as a child.

Damon: -Sees a pink pony- I want a pink pony. GIVE ME MY PINK PONY OR YOU WILL DIE! -Face changes and fangs appear-

Stefan: Uh oh.

Elena: What is it?

Stefan: I think Damon wet the bed again. -shakes head-

Damon: I didn't mean too. Mr. Cuddles didn't remind me.

Stefan: -Face livid- MR. CUDDLES IS A -BEEPING- TEDDY BEAR! IT CAN'T TALK SO IT COULDN'T HAVE REMINDED YOU TO GET YOUR -BEEP- OUT OF BED AND GO TO THE -BEEPING- TOILET!

Damon: -Eyes water and runs off, crying- WHAAAAAAH! Steffy was mean to me!

A/N: Had so much fun writing this! Lol review and give me some ideas on what I should write next! Btw, I got that Lama song from my friend. She made it up and showed me how to do the hand motions to it. It's really cool. I wish I could show yall how to do it. That would make the story even more funny!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Damon: –singing- You're my honey bunch sugar plum pumpy yumpy yumpkin. You're my sweety pie.

Stefan: Lord save us all.

Damon: -singing- I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle and here is my stout. When you tip me over here me shout: Tip me over and pour me out!

Damon: I've changed my ways. I want to drink Bambi blood and frolic in the flowery fields and help people like my goody goody two shoes little brother does. Also I wanna dance in the rain of Spain!

Stefan: I think I like you just the way you are. -looks around nervously-

Damon: I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world. It's made of plastic, it's fantastic!

Stefan: -stares at Damon with big eyes-

Damon: -walks up to Elena acting gangster- Yo whatssup bitch?

Elena: -Slaps Damon hard- Don't ever call me that again!

Damon: Aw C'mon sugar, you know you liked it. -winks-

Elena: -Grabs a glass filled with water that has vervain in it and throws it at him- Maybe now you will learn some manners! -walks off-

Damon: For now on, I'm becoming a vegetarian. No more chewing on people. I wonder if I can hunt pink bunnies.

Damon: Stefan, can I have a night light for my room? I'm scared of the dark.

Stefan: How can you be scared of the dark if you're a VAMPIRE?

Damon: I just am, ok?

Damon: Does anybody wanna go folic in the flowery fields and chew on little bunnies?

Stefan: Nah, I'm good.

Damon: -eyes widen- Ohhhh shiny! I wanna touch the shiny object. Touché!

Stefan: Damon, that's the sun. If you touch it you will die. Or even get close to it for that matter.

Damon: But I'm attached to shiny objects. They're so pretty!

Stefan: Oh god.

Damon: Does this dress make my butt look big?

Stefan: -slaps face- DAMON GET OUT OF THAT DRESS NOW! YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME!

Damon: Stefan, I need to know if I look fat in it!

Stefan: -rips the dress off of Damon- I SAID TAKE IT OFF!

Damon: -standing there naked- Stefan?

Stefan: -breaths out angrily- What?

Damon: Do I look fat now?

Stefan: ...

A/N: Sorry it was short but I don't know what else to write! Please review and give me some ideas!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Damon: -Pours sparkles all over Stefan and runs away-

Stefan: Grrr! Damon!

Damon: Heehee! Now you sparkle like Edward Cullen!

Stefan: -gives Damon the death glare-

Damon: Ewww blood is icky. It tastes nasty too!

Stefan: Um Damon, we have to drink that stuff in order to stay alive.

Damon: I can live on alcohol.

Damon: My little pony, my little pony...

Stefan: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU STOP SINGING?

Damon: I can't help it. I love to sing!

Damon: -sings- Put your left in, put your left foot out. Put your left foot in and shake it all about. Do the hokey pokey and shake it all around. That's what it all about!

Damon: -sings- Baby, baby, baby noooo. I'm like baby, baby, baby nooo. I'm like baby, baby, baby nooo. I'd thought you'd always be mine (mine). When i was thirteen, I had my first love, there was nobody that compared to my baby...and nobody ever came between us or ever come above she had me goin' crazy, oh I was starstruck, she woke me up daily don't need... she made my heart pound and skip a beat when I see her in the street and at school on the playground...

Stefan: That's it. I'm going to the store to buy some duct tape for your mouth!

Damon: *farts loudly*

Stefan: Ugh Damon that's gross! What did you eat, a human?

Damon: Actually I ate a very fat Mexican man. Must've ate alot of tacos. *farts again*

Damon: Edward is a pretty fairy. Stefan, when I grow up I wanna be a fairy like Edward because he's so pretty and glittery.

Stefan: Oh Damon.…-slaps face-

Damon: *cowers in the corner* please don't hurt me, I'm a weak little vampire.

Damon: I'm hungry.

Stefan: Then go hunt.

Damon: I'm hungry.

Stefan: *getting annoyed* Why don't you go hunting?

Damon: I'm hungry.

Stefan: THEN GO HUNTING!

Damon: *looks at Stefan* Stefan?

Stefan: *glares* what?

Damon: I'm hungry.

A/N: LOL hoped you enjoyed that chap! I think I'm going to stop it there. Hoped you enjoyed and please leave a review before you leave. Thank you! :) 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

A/N: Due to popular demand and help from my best friend, sayianprincess1992, I'm continuing this story with a fourth chapter! Hope you enjoy!

Damon: *starts singing* Jesus loves me this I know. For the bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong. They are weak but he is strong.

Stefan: 0_o

Damon: *starts singing* I'll fly away oh glory I'll fly away. When I die hallelujah by and by. I'll fly away!

Damon: Yo Mamma is so old she had sex with a dinosaur.

Elena: *twitch* excuse me?

Damon: Hey Stefan, do you want to go frolic in the flowery fields and chew on little bunnies?

Stefan: Damon, I'm calling the funny farm.

Damon: *eyes widen* funny farm? Ooooh I wanna go to the funny farm! *hops around like a little kid hyped up on candy*

Stefan: *faceplam*

Damon: Mary had a little lamb, little lamb little lamb!

Doctor: What's wrong with him?

Stefan: He got dropped too many times as a baby and he was in love with a psycho girl.

Damon: There was a vampire on a farm and Katherine was her name-o. She was a B-I-T-C-H, B-I-T-C-H, B-I-T-C-H, and B-I-T-C-H was her name-o!

Stefan: For once I agree with your messed up logic.

Damon: I'm hungry momma!

Damon: In my world, everyone is a pony and we all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!

Stefan: *manga sweat drop*

Damon: *singing* I can't remember how much I have had. I drank a 12 pack, with my dad.

Damon: *sings* This land is your land, this land is mine land. From California to the New York Islands...

Damon: *walks up to Stefan wearing baggy pants, a ripped up t-shirt, and smoking a cigar.* Yo whatssup my brother?

Stefan: *takes a step back* what are you- why are you dressed like that?

Damon: Because it's my new lifestyle yo. I'm a gangster hoe.

Stefan: Could you go somewhere else please? You're driving me insane.

Damon: *claps Stefan on the shoulder* not without my homie! You mean everything to me man! Yo ma brother. Yeah! *drags Stefan*

Stefan: Someone just stake me already.

Damon: Stefan, I have a confession to make.

Stefan: *rolls eyes* It'll be surprising if it's something we already don't know about you.

Damon: I'm gay.

*awkward silence fills the room*

Stefan: Oh, so you have gotten over Katherine?

Damon: Yes, and I have finally found someone better then her.

Stefan: Oh really? Who?

Damon: You.

Stefan: I'm sorry Damon but I'm with Elena and plus we're brothers. I'm also not gay.

Damon: What if I kill her? Then will you turn gay?

Stefan: Damon, I am not gay. Period. The end. Now go away.

Damon: Fine! Some brother you are!

Damon: *crying softly*

Stefan: What is it now Damon?

Damon: *sniffles* I got a booboo! *Shows Stefan the tiny cut on his arm that is already fading away*

Stefan: Why do I suddenly feel like the older, much mature brother?

Damon: Yay candy mountain!

Elena: *whispers to Stefan* Why is he acting all weird?

Stefan: I don't know but I am this close to calling a physicatrist.

Damon: Oh look a fairy!

Edward: *twitch* I'm not a fairy I am a vampire!

Damon: Then why do you sparkle?

Stefan: Oh my god, Damon you can't just ask people why they sparkle! That's rude!

Damon: I was just curious! We don't sparkle!

Stefan: *leans close to Damon and whispers in his ear* That's because we are not vampire fairies.

Damon: Vampire fairies?

Stefan: Yes, vampire fairies. They look like him. *points to Edward*

Damon: *gasp* That means you are one too because you look just like him!

Stefan: Damon, I am not a vampire fairy. I do not sparkle.

Damon: Then why do you look like Edward?

Stefan: *throws hands up* I have no idea! Maybe the person who wrote Twilight was on crack and copied L.J's books! I'm pretty sure she was on crack when she wrote Twilight. Who else would be stupid enough to make vampires sparkle?

Damon: *looks confused* what do you mean?

Stefan: Never mind Damon.

Damon: *Singing* you've got a friend in me; you've got a friend in me!

Stefan: *gets a stake and stakes Damon*

Damon: *still singing* when there's trouble and you've got no one to turn to, you can always find a friend in me."

Stefan: *rams stake further in Damon's chest* why isn't he dying?

Damon: *singing* she was a girl, he was a boy. He wanted her, she couldn't tell, secretly she wanted him as well!

Stefan: *eyes widen* Damon is too far gone that not even wood will kill him! He's too stupid!

Damon: My momma said that I'm special.

Stefan: Damon, you didn't even know Mother!

Damon: But she said that I'm special!

Stefan: *shakes head*

Damon: *points to Elena* look! It's Katherine!

Stefan: That is not Katherine. That's Elena.

Damon: *tears running down his face* Katherine! I've missed you so much! *tackles Elena*

Elena: Damon! Get off of me now!

Damon: I wuv you so much my Katherine!

Stefan: He'll get off of you soon Elena.

Elena: *knees Damon in the groin, causing him to scream in pain*

Damon: *sings* Jesus loves the little children. All the children of the world!

Stefan: Ugh. He's not even religious!

A/N: I hoped you enjoyed that chapter! I might update it again but I'm not too sure. I need IDEAS people! Lol Please review!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Damon: *sings* it seems today that all you see, is violence in movies and sex on TV...

Stefan: sooo... What is your favorite book, Damon?

Damon: My favorite book is Twilight. I think that Edward is the best vampire on this planet!

Stefan: *manga sweat drop* You've got to be kidding me!

Damon: Poop butterflies are yummy!

Stefan: 0_o

Damon: You are my sunshine my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You never know dear how much I love you. So please don't take my sunshine away.

Katherine: um... Ew... *walks away*

Damon: *cries like a big baby*

Damon: *dressed up like Elvis, singing* you ain't nothin but a hound dog! Cryin' all the time! You ain't nothin but a hound dog! Cryin' all the time! Well you ain't caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine!

Stefan: Is he high?

Elena: *nods* yep I think so.

Stefan: He's way too drunk. Probably the worst I've ever seen him.

Damon: *singing* I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was! To catch them is my real test. To train them is my cause! I will travel across the land, searching far and wide. These Pokemon to understand; the power that's inside! Pokemon! Gotta catch em! It's just you and me! I know it's my destiny. Pokemon! Oh your my best friend, in a world we must defend! Pokemon, gotta catch em! It's all so true! Our courage will pull us through! Gotta catch them all! POKEMON!

Stefan: Pokemon aren't real Damon.

Damon: *lip quivers* what?

Elena: They aren't real!

Damon: *eyes get watery* bu-but I wanted to be a pokemon master! *crying*

Katherine: You are so pathetic.

Damon: I like rainbow nerds.

Damon: Your the best little brother a big brother could ask for! I love you Stefan!

Stefan: Umm...ok...

Damon: Stefan, can I go play on the playground in Burger King while you get us our food?

Stefan: NO! You are too big for that and that is for little kids!

Damon: *starts throwing a tantrum* BUT I WANNA GO PLAY ON THE PLAYGROUND!

Stefan: *grumbles* fine! Go play!

Damon: Yay! *races happily off towards the playground*

Stefan: *shakes his head*

Damon: Miley Cyrus is the best singer ever! *sings* put your hands up, your playin my song the butterflies fly away. Noddin my head like yeah, moving my hips like yeah. It's a party in the USA, party in the USA!

Stefan: Please, no pop music.

Damon: *giggles like a little school girl*

Damon: *sets some cookies and milk out on the table*

Stefan: Um, what are you doing?

Damon: Setting these out for Santa Claus! What do you think I'm doing?

Stefan: Santa Claus isn't real! How many times do I have to tell you that?

Damon: He is real! People that don't believe will get les presents! Besides, I want him to bring me my Dora the Explorer kit.

Stefan: I'm...going to bed.

Damon: Ew...

Stefan: What is it Damon?

Damon: Those two people on TV are kissing and that's yucky!

Stefan -_-

Damon: Look Stefan it's a pretty butterfly! *chases after butterfly*

Stefan: I knew he had mental problems, but I didn't know how severe they were.

Damon: I can't wait for Easter so the Easter Bunny can bring me lots of candy!

Stefan: *gulps* um Damon, the Easter Bunny won't be coming this year.

Damon: And why not? *eyes widen* you killed him didn't you? YOU KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY! *starts crying*

Stefan: Damon I didn't know! It was just a such big, fat, round, plump bunny with lots of blood inside that I couldn't help myself. *licks lips*

Damon: YOU MURDERER!

Stefan: *sigh* I'm sorry Damon, ok?

Damon: THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OK!

A/N: Haha sorry it took me awhile to update! I might update again soon. If I don't then I will post an author's note saying that I'm done with this story. Please review and thanks for taking the time to read!


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